"…when you decide you want to be with someone forever, you want forever to start right now."

I’m not sure how I got to this point.  This point being that the above quote is my exact stance on life right now.  One day I was telling people I would be single forever and the next I am completely and insanely in love with my best friend.  It’s crazy to think I pushed this away for so long.  I had so many doubts but letting them go and letting myself care for someone more than I thought was possible is the best decision I have ever made.  This, to me, is a HUGE part of my growing up.  I have never been in a relationship where I was truly focused on the other person’s happiness.  Literally just knowing/seeing that he is happy is enough for me.  I don’t even know where to begin some days with trying to explain how amazing it is but sometimes the best feelings are indescribable.  

Online dating is the devil. Just kidding, but boys are. I’ve been on OkCupid for about a month now. I’ve met a lot of random guys and decided I couldn’t stand them after about 5 minutes. Except I’ve actually liked two. The first was the 33 year old lawyer. I ordered mac and cheese on our first date. That was the end of that. The second I met last night. On my birthday. In the beginning he acted like he simply wanted to be friends. We both just moved here from out of state so I totally get it. It’s hard to meet friends when you’re an adult. I miss college mostly for that reason.. ANYWAY…. after we had been messaging on the site for a day or so we found out that my profile said I was just looking for friends. He’s the only one that had ever paid attention to that so I had no idea. A month later… haha. So once we straightened that out he asked me on a date. I ended up seeing… and sleeping with him… last night on my birthday. He still called me this morning before he picked me up for our actual planned date. POINTS. Major points. But he also tried kinda “stealing” my friends. Idk how I feel about that. I was clearly jealous. But we went to the zoo today.. and hung out for about 6 hours actually… .I just have a gut feeling it is not going to work.. I can’t describe it and I’m depressed. AND WHY? Bc I don’t even fucking know him. I’m rambling. None of this makes any sense and it didn’t make me feel better like I wanted it to. It might be that I’m on my period. Or that I took Plan B today. BUT I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. And old.

Sometimes I wonder if settling is actually the thing one needs to do.  Don’t mistake this for me saying one should settle for the first loser that runs her way, but the whole “don’t settle” saying has me out there looking for some perfectly engineered man and I’m pretty sure he just isn’t out there.

I have been dating/searching for the perfect guy for almost half of my life and at this point I think it is about time to “settle.” When I say settle, I mean find a guy with a long list of great qualities, but not dump him ASAP because he doesn’t fit every single insane detail that I have in my head of the perfect guy.  Why? Because this guy does not exist.  

I could go on all day about how one of my exes had this and I loved it so much but my new guy doesn’t so he can’t be the one.  Obviously I wasn’t happy with my ex so maybe this thing that I am longing for wasn’t actually as great as I thought it was.  This is where I am starting to think that the more guys I date, the harder it is for one to impress me.

Flaws are beautiful in their own little messed up way and they need to be embraced. Sometimes I get so busy looking at what could be wrong with the person that I can’t even see what’s right in front of me—someone who cares about me and would do anything to make me happy.  Isn’t that what is important? 

Maybe it’s time for me to ditch the whole “don’t settle” thought that drives me absolutely crazy and have a new mentality—“Settle for something good that could turn into something great if you would just let it”